Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconlissomer: More from Lissomer


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
July 13
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
266 (3 today)
Favourites
47 (who?)
Comments
19
×
i.
you were a series of
battles won and wars lost,
twelve months sober
undone by one hour
drunk

a vodka bullet
dismantled a persona
already bare of bones


ii.
you loved so brittle
in jagged pageturns,
like tomorrow was
already a memory,

and one day, tomorrow
stopped visiting


iii.
you died on valentine's day;
symbolism gifted in the form
of a flowing red bouquet
and desperate hopelessness

at least, that's what
they didn't say,
once it was
over.
For L, who has been gone five months now. This wasn't an easy piece for me, but I need to get it right.  

A/N: I'm in the process of editing this one. I'll post each edition after it's changed, and leave the previous editions in sta.sh so that feedback can happen. The version in the deviation will always be the most recent.

Original Piece

thirteenth of july, 2014
Add a Comment:
 

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconbraxton-t-rutledge:
Braxton-T-Rutledge Featured By Owner 1 day ago
    battles won and wars lost, - this is borderline cliche, and as the poem ends with the suggestion of death, don't say wars lost, describe the battles instead of saying they happened. show us the struggle. Instead of a bullet full of vodka (which sounds like a tiny tiny amount of vodka) a vodka bullet.
      you loved so brittle in jagged pageturns, - show this. there are so many poems out there about an addict that just can't get clean and dies, make this even more personal (which is super hard and will probably not get done for a while.)
Reply
:iconlissomer:
Lissomer Featured By Owner 1 hour ago   Writer
I'm trying to figure out how you managed to format your comment like that o.o

THANK YOU so much for the advice. I'm really bad at revisions, and while I can see how useful your suggestions are, actually carrying them out is a different story entirely. I've edited the vodka part, and I'm working on the other bits (which will probably take a really long time).

Again, thank you.
Reply
:iconcatharticdistraction:
CatharticDistraction Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Professional Writer
Wow. Some beautiful lines, here. I love 'tomorrow/stopped visiting'. The line break is so fitting. Brilliant, haunting piece.

Yep, definitely going to be browsing through your stuff.
Reply
:iconlissomer:
Lissomer Featured By Owner 3 days ago   Writer
Thank you so much :heart:

:eager:
Reply
:iconkenlit:
KenLit Featured By Owner 5 days ago
I definitely can  relate to this.
I have my higher power in use, not in the presence of some god, but life itself.
Well written Hug 
Reply
:iconlissomer:
Lissomer Featured By Owner 5 days ago   Writer
:heart: :heart:
Reply
:iconkenlit:
KenLit Featured By Owner 4 days ago
:)
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner 5 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Wow...gut wrenching :(  I know the battle with alcoholism personally..it is like a bullet 
Reply
:iconlissomer:
Lissomer Featured By Owner 5 days ago   Writer
:huggle:
Reply
:iconshep4life:
shep4life Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Writer
Hug
Reply
Add a Comment: